Being Alone versus Feeling Lonely

Throughout my life, I have spent a lot of time alone. As an introvert, alone time is how I recharge my social battery. I use the time to absorb, reflect, and process things. I also use the time to learn, to create, and to consume media (and food! LOL). Like most people, I have spent MORE time alone than I wanted since the spring of 2020. 

In that time, I have experienced loneliness. The most helpful definition I’ve found is this: 

Loneliness is a subjective, unwelcome feeling of lack or loss of companionship, which happens when there is a mismatch between the quantity and quality of the social relationships that we have, and those that we want (Perlman and Peplau, 1981)

The key is that loneliness is *subjective* and generally very internal. Unlike anger or joy, there is no obvious way to display loneliness. It is often accompanied by boredom or depression. 

But here’s the thing, you do not need to be alone to feel lonely. It is entirely possible to feel lonely in a room full of people. I think a lot of people are experiencing this as we come back to gatherings and events within the community. Many people, myself included, are still feeling disconnected. We’ve fallen out of touch with people, or we haven’t had the opportunity to practice social interactions, and our ability to participate in conversation has been kneecapped; small talk is difficult when we all have the same story to tell. 

If you’ve never felt lonely before, it can be very disarming. It can feel like a personal failiure, or it can compound itself, especially if others around you do not seem to also be lonely. It is a recognized stressor that can lower your immunity and it’s been shown to affect you physically because the brain processes social exclusion the same way it processes physical pain (Kawamoto, 2015). 

So how do I cope and how can you cope if you’re feeling this way? 

1. Recognize it. Ignoring it won’t make it go away. Acknowledge the feeling, name it, and even say it out loud if that helps. 
2. Understand that this is not a unique feeling. While your experience may differ from others’ you are not alone in feeling this way; it is a normal part of the human experience. 
3. Distract yourself. Exercise, gaming, reading, gardening, even chores are all things that can keep your brain busy and reduce the stressful feelings that can accompany loneliness. 
4. Reach out. This isn’t easy but even if no one you know, or know well enough is available, there are helplines. Sometimes, a social media post can help (a straightforward, “anyone up to chatting?”) but take care not to get sucked into social media’s skewed display of contentment (remember point 2; you’re not alone in feeling this way). 

One of the ways I coped with the early pannini blues was that a group of us all joined a Marco Polo channel. Marco Polo is an app that allows assymetrical video chat. It was a way we could check in without feeling pressured to reply. It *really* helped combat loneliness because I could see and hear other people expressing their hard emotions. It became a collective video journal and because people could also watch live, there were times when reactions would appear as the video was recording. More often, replies would follow. 

These interactions were authentic and vulnerable. Most of us appeared without makeup, or in pjs or curled under blankets or even in the bathtub. It humanized our loneliness. But as things became more routine, and then re-opened, the videos and interactions became fewer and further between. Eventually, I deleted the app as it took up a lot of space on my phone. 

Now that it seems most of the world is back to something we’re calling “normal” the feelings of loneliness might be accompanied by other feelings like frustration or resentment because it seems like others are jumping back into life easily. I assure you, this is not the case. Many people I’ve talked to are feeling apprehensive about groups of people. The best advice I can give you is to go with your gut feeling; check in with your anxiety. Is it physical (worried about contagion, etc.) or is it emotional (anticipating a disconnect) or a combination? Many of us are feeling a combo of the two.

I approach this in a similar way to dealing with loneliness in general:

1. Acknowledge the apprehension. Recognize the feelings and remember they are normal.
2. Reach out before the event. Find a buddy to meet so that you aren’t physically facing things alone. Someone to sit with or to talk to may be just enough to help clear that initial hurdle.
3. Give (my/your)self permission to nope out. Sometimes, actually being in the space reduces unwanted negative feelings but sometimes those feelings can increase. Let your buddy know you’re going and leave the situation. This is not a failure, this is simply a situation you weren’t ready to be in. You can try again at another time and another event
4. Check in with your feelings again. Acknowledge them and if you need to, reach out to talk through the experience with someone else (friend, helpline, etc) or journal it.

It’s going to take time and each of us is going to have our own levels of (dis)comfort to manage. It’s also not just the lingering panini that is contributing to emotional stress and a feeling of reduced safety; the world is A LOT right now for all of us and that can be isolating. Understanding that loneliness may be a response to this both when we are alone and when we are with others, especially those of us who are touch-starved is the first step to dealing with it.

If you made it through this wall of text, thank you. I’m not a professional in any mental health field so please do not take this writing as such. If you’re in crisis, please do a search for help lines in your country/region and reach out. If you have the capacity to reach out to others, check on those you care about; they may be feeling the same way.

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References

Perlman, D., & Peplau, L. A. (1981). Toward a Social Psychology of Loneliness. In R. Gilmour, & S. Duck (Eds.), Personal Relationships: 3. Relationships in Disorder (pp. 31-56). London: Academic Press.

Kawamoto T, Ura M, Nittono H. Intrapersonal and interpersonal processes of social exclusion. Front Neurosci. 2015;9:62. doi:10.3389/fnins.2015.00062

(no I haven’t formatted those the same, deal with it or die angry)

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Disclaimer: I wrote this primarily for myself to refer back to. It is from my perspective and lived experience and my understanding of what I’ve read. Your mileage may vary and I am in no way intending to invalidate your lived experience. A reminder that I am not a mental health professional.