Would changing my outlook change me?

OK, that is probably a rhetorical question, but what I wonder is how would others react to a different version of me? What if the “new me” isn’t as funny or interesting? I shouldn’t care, but on some level I do. When I do something “out of character” Shawn will joke about checking for body-snatcher pods in the greenhouse or ask what the ransom is to return the “real Cheryl.” While I laugh it off, it does make it difficult for me to make conscious meaningful changes to my outlook and habits.

I know I have become set in my ways of sarcasm, snark, disdain, dismissal, impatience, and bitching or ranting. All of these are distinctly negative and carry a certain mental weight — baggage, or ballast if you will. Last year, Shawn jettisoned some of his negative baggage through a rebirth ceremony that allowed him to make a break and assign old habits to “Mike” and take up new habits as “Shawn.” I am content to remain “Cheryl” but I still need to lose some of this ballast.

Some changes are easier to make: consciously making an effort not to “dismiss the familiar” led to my going into a thrift store that I’ve dismissed many times because “they never have anything in my size” — and what did I find but an almost perfect pair of shorts on the $5 clearance rack (thank you, universe!).

Some are more difficult: I know I am an aggressive/angry driver — hell, I am an angry passenger. Being behind the wheel frequently pushes my impatience buttons. I noticed a while ago that I “let go” of my impatience almost entirely when I am on the bus (now, if I am waiting for a bus that is increasingly behind schedule, that’s another story). So how do I translate being a calm bus passenger into being a calm car passenger and driver?

Some can be dialed back but not likely abandoned. Sarcasm is the language of my people — or certainly of my generation. GenXers are the most sarcastic people around and we’re a bitter lot for it, but it is ingrained. This doesn’t mean I can’t change, just that this is an area where change will be difficult.

There are others but basically, I need to focus on shifting from negative to positive — even incrementally at this point — and on taking myself out of situations and away from people who feed that negativity. I need to stop bitching and ranting and start doing more meaningful things or spending my time on stuff that makes me happier and/or a better human.

As for how to do that, one of the books I am reading right now* is Choose Yourself! by James Altucher (the Kindle edition is just over a buck right now!) in which he talks about getting your mental-emotional-physical-spiritual self in order before you try to make changes to how you get through life (i.e. work/relationships). He promotes a “daily practice” of consciously shedding or forgoing negative attitudes, people, and situations. This, along with some of the spiritual/Buddhist concepts I’ve been exploring, some personal reflection, and talking with others, will help me make those changes.

I had an interesting talk last night that got me thinking about the need to stop doing things I feel obligated to do, things I do because, “If I don’t, no one else will.” This practice is also selfish, because how do I know that the person who might want to do that task/work isn’t waiting in the sidelines, afraid to come forward because the position is filled? My Father once told me never to make myself irreplaceable at work because it’s like building your own cage; he was right. It applies to more than work. The negative emotional cage around me is my own construction; I just need to cut through a few bars.

So, going forward, I will be focusing on some self-messages, reminders, mantras or whatever you want to call them — like the conscious reminder not to dismiss what seems familiar — in an effort to make some changes. I hope I will have your support as I shift the polarity of my self and surroundings, but if not, well, I probably won’t be hanging around with you. 😉

*I realized that I read self-help and motivational books to break up the very dark books I tend to read. All the other books I am reading or recently finished are about death, murder, horror, and things that go bump in the night.