On the Eve of my Forty-Fifth Birthday

Today largely involved physical work; housecleaning and preparing the deck for tomorrow’s party — we removed the old canopy and replaced it with a slightly larger one that has a sunscreen wall. We were able to position it to block out the afternoon/evening sun, something we’ve previously done using curtain panels and clothes pegs.

We finished just before 3, with enough time to meet a friend who was briefly in town, then hubby and kiddo worked on my cake while I napped, watered the garden, and relaxed on the deck under the swag lamp that basically gives us an outdoor room for the summer.

While sitting there, I was reflecting on where I am at, where I’ve been, and where I’m going. At 45, I have decided that my 40s are, so far, the best decade emotionally. I am so much more at ease with myself — sure I am still a work in progress but who isn’t? I’m comfortable in my own skin and that’s key.

Thirty years ago, I’d just finished grade nine. I was awkward in every way imaginable but I was happy. I had a close group of friends, loved my classes, and I had yet to start working, so my time was my own.

Twenty years ago, I was in the middle of my pre-apprenticeship plumbing training. I was tutoring several of my classmates on some basic algebra skills and doing well enough to be selected by the instructor to do side jobs. I was cycling to and from the interurban campus (from roughly Fort & Foul Bay) and in the best shape of my life. While I didn’t end up pursuing plumbing as a career, it was a huge boost to my confidence and gave me skills I still use.

Ten years ago, I was working evenings at the loan desk in the library. Kiddo was three, and we were managing to juggle care for her between the two of us working odd shifts and my mom and mother in law pitching in. It was also when I first dipped my toes into social media with an account on Orkut — Google’s first community, now so popular in Brazil that it is fully managed by Google Brazil. I still have an account there but only login every couple of years. It was how I met Star, who introduced me to Flickr through which I’ve made some of my longest-lasting online connections — many of whom I’ve met in person.

Five years ago, when I turned forty, I wasn’t sure how to deal with it but I didn’t particularly want to celebrate. Hubby and I joked about smashing the cake. Then we went ahead and did it — it’s still one of my favourite moments ever and I am so glad the event was caught on film.

I get a lot of joy out of watching the destruction of things — I suspect this goes back to a childhood where my brother and I would line up his Star Wars Figures at the bottom of a board we’d set up as a ramp, then we would fling Hot Wheels cars at them at high speed — basically bowling in a manner that reduced the “value” of two sets of collectibles. But damn it, it was FUN. Anyway, Shawn gets that about me and he was happy to smash that cake, which made me laugh and temporarily horrified all of our friends.

This year? I asked for a cake similar to one I’d seen online and Hubby was, once again, up to the task. It’s partially finished tonight and will be completed tomorrow, in time to share with friends and family. At 45, I feel ridiculously lucky.