“Focus” CC-BY-NC Michael Dales on Flickr
Wow, did I ever pick the right word for the year. I still need to focus, it will just be on different priorities, although most of the goals will remain. I still intend to do the reading challenge. I still intend to play more board and card games, and to get out and be active. I am putting on hold the writing and editing but the 26 boxes of crap will likely be “just a start” of the purge.
My priorities right now are moving forward, healing, and supporting our daughter.
Those who have been down this road before me keep wishing me the best, because they know what a barrage of paperwork, physical work, minutiae, and pain is involved. My focus is moving forward. Figuring out what needs to be done. Making checklists. Packing. Making more lists. Checking things off. Getting through each day.
Sometimes the most random thought makes me cry. Yesterday, in line to pay for groceries with my Air Miles card in hand I thought, “We’ll have to separate those too!” and I choked back a sob. Minutiae.
Healing in the short term means making sure I eat healthy food, get as much rest as possible, manage my stress, and not close myself off to the rest of the world (that last part is key for me).
Healing is going to take more than 2015. I have a lot of emotional baggage to unpack — some of it has been dragging behind me for a very long time. I am thankful my benefits will help pay for the counseling sessions.
Healing is also about getting off my ass. Without the car, I am back to the bus, which means more walking just logistically alone. Yesterday, I walked around the Ring road, talking with Shawn, and I also walked back from the grocery store (because waiting for the bus would have taken longer). Later, I spent three and a half hours scraping the old mildewed sealant out of the tub and replacing it. By the time I went to bed I was exhausted — too tired even to read. I was considering putting my name forward for a UVic study on habitual exercise, but I am not quite sure if it will take time I just don’t have right now.
Supporting our daughter means doing as much as possible to be there for her, while not forcing her to witness too much of the pain. It means, like today, taking her to get some new footwear, and making sure we found room for that in the budget, or like Friday, having her help bake cookies. It means listening to her, and giving her space when she needs it. Stuff we’d do anyway, but of which we are hyper-aware of now.
Thursday, when I last blogged, was perhaps the worst day of my life. It was certainly one of the most difficult. I know there will be other difficult days ahead, but I also know there will be good days. Today was, for the most part, a good day with a difficult patch. I’ll take that and I will hold on to thoughts of more days like this than like Thursday.