This weekend, I had a bit of a meltdown. You might have called it a freak-out, rage outburst, a blown gasket or something less kind. At any rate, I would like to publicly apologize to my family who had to wear it while I tried to find my way to the other side of it.
What triggered the meltdown, you ask? Trying to find a place to put a re-potted plant that was both difficult for the cats to access and also offered the plant some natural light. It was one domino in a cascade of “little things” and I lashed out at the person who pointed out my planned action was not going to work (i.e. jade plants, while not particularly appealing to cats are toxic so I couldn’t just leave it on the table). I didn’t lash out because someone had placed an obstacle in my path, only because they had alerted me to the obstacle’s existence. It wasn’t fair of me in the least.
I really hate losing control of my anger. Even as I was yelling, I was growing angrier with myself, but it was like watching a proverbial train wreck, once the engine went off the rails, there was no way to stop the cars from following. To explain this to someone who has never lost their temper or flown off the emotional rails is very difficult. I can at once see that what I am doing is hurtful, unfair and unproductive and yet be unable to stop myself mid-meltdown.
I’m not going to dwell on this issue but I felt the need to acknowledge this behavior as a step toward managing it.
(Two good things did come out of this mess: (1) I created a collage of family photos now hung on the wall that replaced the haphazard cluster of frames on the mantelpiece and (2) we now have a(n almost) complete list of our movies & tv series seasons that we can access via smartphones on the go.)
Image, “Rage Wallpaper” CC-BY “Thoth, God of Knowledge” on Flickr.
As one who has lived with anger management issues her entire life, I applaud your transparency Cheryl.
It takes courage to admit our behaviours!
Thanks Janis.