Stop Blaming CC-BY-NC Chris Vreeland on Flickr
As we move forward through the separation, one thing has been clear. It doesn’t seem to matter what I say or to whom I say it, some people outside the marriage will make up their own mind about who is “to blame” for the breakup.
As I stated in mea culpa, I hid things from Shawn; I hid multiple infidelities and relationships both in person and online over a protracted period. The fact that he is seeing someone now, and the timeline of that relationship is irrelevant to the breakup. I’ve known about that relationship from the beginning and I was OK with it. Many others also knew about it and only in hindsight decided to lay blame and that makes me uncomfortable.
No, our marriage wasn’t perfect. No, I am not taking on the full weight of what was wrong with it, but I fully accept that the actions I took did irrevocable damage to the relationship as it was.
And yet, I know my acknowledgement won’t make a lick of difference to some people. Is it simply because I am a woman that I am cast as the victim despite all statements to the contrary? It’s not that I want to invite the blame to myself I just want people to lift it from the others involved.
Marriages are complex systems; there is seldom a single factor that causes their decay. Shawn and I will still have a relationship in the future, just not a marriage and to get there, we need to heal. We each need to identify the behaviors that led to the break and work on getting back to a level of functionality that best supports our daughter and each other.
So many people are hurting over this, so much collateral damage, but perhaps none so much as you, Shawn, and Alice. Blame is so pointless, and serves no purpose, especially to those not involved. I thought your mea culpa post showed great generosity and class, Cheryl. This post, equally so. I’m so sorry for what you are all going through, and wish you all strength in your respective recoveries.
When my marriage formally broke down, it had been over for a long time. But I still lost friends over what I had decided to do about it, even though they knew the situation. It’s a time to discover how other people viewed your marriage, and how they really viewed you. This is inevitable, but as Veronica points out above, it’s pointless to care about what they thought and think.