One of my least favorite traits, and one I really need to shake off as I move forward, is the unwelcome but ubiquitous umbrella of self-doubt that sometimes creeps up as full blown impostor syndrome.
Yesterday, it did exactly that. Earlier in the week, a friend posted that he needed an employee or personal assistant and, since he runs a comic store and draws comics, I joked that I should submit a resume in comic form. He urged me not to do so much work for so little a pay off and I told him that these days, I was trying to “create for creation’s sake.” He replied, “Then draw! Draw! Draw!”
I sat on it for a while, story-boarding in my head, then sketched it out. Tuesday evening I inked it, then scanned it and sent it off on Wednesday morning. Then I spent most of the day feeling like I had no place sending my drawing to someone who draws for a living. I had also posted the photos for a small group of friends to see, and got very little interaction, so, stupidly, I feared even more that I had “embarrassed myself” by putting it out there. Late in the day, the artist replied that my comic format resume was “stellar” and that I was “awesome.” And still, a little voice inside my head rattled off doubt and self-criticism.
Even so, I feel very proud of myself for saying I would do something, recognizing and acknowledging that doing that thing was scary, and doing it anyway. Here’s the three pages/six panels I created as my resume. It’s not polished — that wasn’t the goal. (I realize that I didn’t even sign these drawings — how’s that for subconscious self-criticism?)
This morning, I read Gillian Cornwall’s blog post, Being the Ladder, and once more was struck by how common this feeling of self-doubt can be. “[W]hy do I assume the worst about my self in the work I do, whether writing or day job or anything at which I work?” she questioned. In part, I think we are conditioned. I received a lot of back-handed complements on my work and my creations, growing up, and even as an adult. My parents may not have meant to be discouraging, but that was the result. The comment that finally made me stand up for myself was when I was told that my book of poetry was “No worse than anything else” held by the library.
I think we all do this to each other, unconsciously holding others back — in part because society has taught us to be critical of others and media has reinforced the ideas. Amy Poehler, in her book Yes, Please! (which is high up on my “to read” list) has said we need to start saying “Good for her! Not for me,” meaning both that our success is not built on others’ failure and also that everyone’s path to success is different — her path is not my path.
Trying to promote myself, my skills and accomplishments has long been a struggle but the first hurdle is always that doubt. If I can learn to say “Good for her” without thinking, “why can’t I be like her?” and if I can say “Good for me!” without wondering if I measure up, then I can make some progress.
Yesterday I started a sentence with, “I only have a BA…” and the person I was talking to cut me off and chastised me for devaluing my achievement. I barely know this person so I was taken by surprise. I explained that where I work, one degree is the minority — most have two or more — and because of that, I do tend to feel like I am out of my league. She waved it off, listing my skills, and surprising me by how closely she’d been listening. I felt sheepish for having fallen into my usual trap of self-criticism. Twice.
So my goal for the next four or five weeks is to try to consciously lose the umbrella: ditch the self-doubt and the self-criticism and banish the impostor.