Lately, I’ve been told by a lot of people that I seem happy. Some are surprised given the upheaval of my life this year, but most seem genuinely relieved to see me going about life confidently, and that there is a sparkle to my eyes again. One person commented how much she enjoyed the way I “see beauty everywhere” in reference to the photos I had been posting; another asked if I was actually happy or if there were things that weren’t coming across in social media and my “public” face.
To answer that: yes, I am really, actually, honestly, happy right now. I am still trying to sort through things, but those things in balance aren’t weighing me down. I owe a lot to the support I’ve had from friends and especially from my therapist. Which brings me to the comment that kind of threw me a bit. One friend said, “You do seem happier; less introspective.”
They said it so casually that I didn’t really think about it until later. Then, I wondered, had I been oversharing about my introspection? Had that made me seem down? Because I don’t think those two are related. I think introspection is not only healthy but necessary. Without it, going through life is a little like driving around with the check engine light flashing — sooner or later you’re just going to break down.
Believe me, I’m still very much in introspection mode in regards to my emotional and spiritual health. I spend a lot of hours thinking about, reflecting on, and otherwise considering how I got to where I am now and which path ahead to take. I know that I am not happy about some of the choices I made that got me here or the ways I hurt people through those choices, but I also accept that I cannot change the past. With that in mind, I continue to move forward, to look both forward and back, and to be happy.
