The Bond I Never Expected

Film and television love to portray the Mother In Law as the impossible relationship. It is one that is always fraught with tension on screen. In reality, I was often surprised at how easy it was to get along with Dona. When my marriage ended early this year, she insisted we would always be family, no matter what, and that meant more than I knew. When she was diagnosed with stage IV cancer in May we were all shocked. It knocked me off-balance and I, along with the rest of the family, spent a very odd summer. She went into Hospice last week and passed away quietly in her sleep this morning. I was already on my way there to visit; my Sister in Law was by her side and had been through the night.

I am happy that I had been able to visit her in Hospice — hospitals are not places I like to be and it took a monumental effort to cross that threshold for each visit — because I know how much it meant to her. I even baked her banana bread Thursday night and took it in to her Friday. Friday turned out to be her last “good” day. Before she went into Hospice, Dona was surrounded by family for Thanksgiving weekend — three meals over three days, prepared by family. I made her a very untraditional meal of ratatouille and mushroom risotto.

We bonded often over food and when she asked me if there was anything I wanted, it was cookbooks that I claimed: her KMart Staff and Watkins recipe books. There were many dishes I’d never eaten before I met the DeWolfes and some have become favourites; I will never make or eat flapper pie without thinking of Dona. I know how hard it was for her to deal with a diabetic diet the last few years, and honestly one of the most rewarding things this summer turned out to be watching her return to eating whatever she wanted with such zeal.

I never expected to build such a bond with Dona; it just crept up on me. It wasn’t always easy — there were plenty of tense moments over the years. She was outrageously stubborn but that was just one aspect of her strength. When it came down to it, her family always came first and almost always before her own health, her own finances, her own sanity sometimes. It pained me to see how much she gave and gave and gave. I think in the last few months she finally started to accept help from others — I know that was hard for her, but I am happy that I could be among those who helped. And really, it was amazing how many people came to help her, a testament to what goes around comes around as everyone worked to give back.

Dona made peace with her situation fairly early on — I know one is never ready but she had her faith to help her through and, having seen others fight cancer, she knew she didn’t want to fight it with chemicals or radiation. For the most part, she managed that. She got to spend almost all of her last days in the apartment looking out over the Harbour. Watching float planes and cruise ships come and go, enjoying the view, and breathing the ocean air. I know she is back there now.

Dona hated having her photo taken which is why this post is illustrated with calla lilies — one of her favourite flowers. I want to close with what kiddo wrote about her this morning because it captures perfectly their relationship and a lot of what I feel too:

“Dear nana,
I’m going to miss you so much. You were funny and smart and odd, you had so many stories, and you made some amazing food. This all happened so suddenly and the last few months have been crazy then terrifying then sad. It feels so unreal hearing you’re gone. I just want to go back through time force myself to be with you more and take our time for granted less. I’m also sorry for saying heaven doesn’t exist, because now I hope it does and you go up there and have the best afterlife possible.”