Authenticity and Me

Day 16: Oranges CCBY operation_janet on Flickr.

Finding my authentic self is an ongoing journey. Between my marriage ending and just being old enough to no longer care about how others see me, I am in the midst of a lot of “change.” I put change in air quotes because it’s more about peeling back layers to reveal who I have always been.

Does that sound flaky? (Don’t care, really) Maybe it is… but you can think of it almost literally; like layers of winter clothing. Writing “To My Body” and putting my underwear-clad self on my very public blog was a very physical revelation; marching in the Pride Parade and talking about my orientation was a different kind of revelation. Hell, even talking about my role in the marriage breakdown has brought me closer to being my whole self. Sunday’s Talking to Rocks post just raised a bunch of eyebrows once again.

But, bit by bit, by being transparent, open, honest about myself — who I am, what I read, how I play — as each obscuring layer is removed, you can see more of who I am and I feel lighter. Because as well as revealing my authentic self, I am casting off a lot of baggage — all the time I spent worrying about what people might think of my fat body, or the fact that I am attracted to the same and other genders, or that I believe in spirits, or that I am a labour activist, or that I sometimes read really trashy fiction, or look at porn, or am anything other than the Baseline Self that I spent a lot of time projecting.

The Year of Yes is part of this transformation. It gives me the “dare ya” nudge to do things I might not — like accept an invite to the Saanich Fair at the last minute, or record an a Capella rendition of Depeche Mode and post it on YouTube, or go to goth night at a local club to hear a friend’s DJ set.

These days, I am less likely to make an excuse. I am less likely to give an evasive answer to a direct question. I am less likely to think of any kind of pleasure as “guilty.” I am more likely to show more of my true self, less of the layers. And that’s a very, very good thing.