Depression for me was not something I recognized until I was on the other side of it. Looking back, I can see when it started, although I still can’t quite sort out why, except for a general feeling of options being removed.
In 2007 Shawn and I had what most married people refer to as “a rough patch” and what turned out to be foreshadowing. Long story short, I had started down the path of therapy to work through what was not working, but was interrupted by my shattering my ankle. Through my recovery, Shawn cared for me, and once I was back on my feet I was just thankful and I believed that our relationship problems were in the past.
On the surface, things looked good. We continued going to work, traveling, and the following year sold the townhouse and moved into Blackwood. The work involved in that move and in the renovations that followed kept us busy. Then Kiddo was adjusting to a new school, we were in good shape financially, and there was plenty of activity to distract us. Anyone who has been in a longer-term relationship will understand how easy it is to just skim along, being busy, without addressing any underlying issues.
The problem was, I don’t think either of us had really dealt with that rough patch — either individually or in discussions with each other (I definitely hadn’t) — so the emotional fallout and the resentment we each felt from the resolution to the issue that triggered it all just lingered, under the surface.
Then, in late 2010, the walls started to close in. Financially things had shifted and our work situations had changed in ways that dramatically increased our stress levels. We started dreaming about buying an RV and running away from it all but knew that was not a real option. Instead, we both just started feeling trapped.
My initial response was to wall myself off emotionally and looking back, I can see all the other “signs you might be depressed” like big red check-marks over my head: insomnia, lethargy, anti-social behavior, not taking care of my personal appearance or health, weight-gain, ignoring housework, anxiety, increased irritability, apathy…. really the list just went on and kept getting worse. By the summer of 2011, the problems with my eyes started (the blocked ducts that caused swelling in my eyelids). By the fall of 2011, I was deeply unhappy, feeling trapped by our finances, in a job I was no longer enjoying, and in a relationship that didn’t feel right but that I didn’t feel I could (or should) walk away from.
Depression impaired my judgement.
I wasn’t seeing anything clearly, and I couldn’t see depression for what it was. I recall Shawn asking me to get help but he never named depression as such and since I couldn’t see anything “wrong” I brushed off the suggestion. I looked for other escapes. I threw myself into volunteering for the union. I used shopping as therapy. I turned to corners of the web and I started to self-sabotage.Basically I wanted out of the situations I was in but, faced with difficult decisions, I tried to find a way for others to make those decisions for me, or at least take up enough of my time that I didn’t have to think about those decisions.
Unfortunately, I just ended up compounding my unhappiness when I decided to keep my flings and online accounts a secret from almost everyone around me. It meant I was living two lives but gradually I started to open up to a couple of people about my situation. Eventually, I had managed to get most of the genie back in the bottle — I’d stopped the flings, and had been closing off the online activities — but the cork could not be replaced and ultimately, the genie was revealed.
While that revelation shattered our marriage, it also released tension I’d held for years. It’s been exceptionally difficult to navigate emotionally, but in the process I discovered that a heavy blanket of depression had been lifted.
With the help of both my GP and my counselor, I am starting to see the effect that depression had on my actions, on my health, and on those around me. I’ve started to take note of the warning signs and to be aware lest they return while I am still trying to heal. Even the small amount of therapy so far has been incredibly challenging, humbling, and eye-opening all at once. It is, frankly, a lot to process and I know I am at the start of a long path ahead — but at least I can see light again.
